


It Seemed Like Only a While Ago, You Were By My Side

by smile_it_will_get_better



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Steve Has Regrets, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Supportive Tony Stark, Survivor Guilt, Tony Is a Good Bro, steve misses bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 01:38:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15062219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile_it_will_get_better/pseuds/smile_it_will_get_better
Summary: Sometimes Steve couldn't sleep.He would lay in bed for hours but every time he closed his eyes he would see visions of himself in the war, would hear Peggy making him promise to keep that date, hear and see Bucky fall from that train.It's been over 70 years, he crashed a plane, became frozen in ice, and then fought fucking aliens.And yet he was only haunted by those images.Steve has trouble sleeping and so did Tony. The two of them settle in for a late night talk, where Steve reveals just how much he misses Bucky.





	It Seemed Like Only a While Ago, You Were By My Side

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just a quick oneshot becuase I need a regular dose of Stucky Angst and I couldn't sleep. 
> 
> I have decided that I have trouble writing Tony because I'm not a genius and therefore can't get into his head. 
> 
> So enjoy this little oneshot of Steve being a sad widow and missing his Bucky.
> 
> This is set in the time period between the Avengers and The Winter Soldier, so hes living at the avengers tower but doesnt know that Bucky is still alive yet.

Sometimes Steve couldn't sleep. 

He would lay in bed for hours but every time he closed his eyes he would see visions of himself in the war, would hear Peggy making him promise to keep that date, hear and see Bucky fall from that train.

Its It's been over 70 years, he crashed a plane, became frozen in ice, and then fought fucking aliens. 

And yet he was only haunted by those images.

Sometimes when he couldn't sleep he would just stare at the ceiling and wait until it was considered an appropriate time to awaken. 

Other times, like tonight, he would get up and wander around. He would always end up in the kitchen though. To make himself a cup of strong coffee, extra caffeinated to keep his dark thoughts away.

Tonight he sat on the counter, cross legged on the top of it, remembering a time he would do this with Bucky.

They would crowd into their stupidly small kitchen and dance around each other as they tried to bake. Eventually Bucky would get sick and tired of him getting into the way and lift him up onto the counter to get him out of the way. And Steve would sit there just watching him cook, sometimes offering advice (that he never took) or more likely just savoring the image of him.

Steve could almost hear Bucky's off tune humming and soft swearing in the quietness of the kitchen. He glanced down at his almost empty cup and wished he could pour some whiskey into it because tonight was going to be a long one.

He heard someone walking down the halls and quickly turned to face his visitor. He went surprised when Tony stumbled in, rubbing his eyes as he walked to the fridge without even looking Steve's way.

Tony pulled out the carton of milk and sleepily gazed into it for a second before taking a drink right from it. Steve pulled a face as Tony turned around to face him, his face morphing into surprise when he saw Steve.

“Holy crap Cap, you nearly scared the shit out of me.” Tony complained, placing the milk down and flaring at the super soldier. “You look like a little kid perched like that. Come sit in a chair and let us pretend to be normal civilized people okay?”

Tony walked away, grabbing the milk as he headed for the living room. Steve decided he had nothing better to do than follow him.

“So, want to tell me why you're awake and sitting on my counters at 3 o’clock in the morning?” Tony asked once Steve was sitting in a chair. 

Steve shrugged. “I couldn't sleep.” he admitted, and Steve gave him a sympathetic hum in response. “What are you doing Tony?” 

Tony waved a hand in the air, almost dropping his half empty milk jug. “you know, the usual, just testing out ideas and stuff like that. Was planning to go to sleep soon but whatever.”

Steve nodded, knowing better than to ask about what he was working on. Steve had been living in the tower for almost two months now, he knew better than to ask. 

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both lost in their thoughts. Tony seemed to be watching Steve carefully, and he opened and closed his mouth a few times like he wanted to ask something. 

“Spit it out already Tony.” Steve sighed, rubbing his hand over his forehead.

“Do you ever regret something?” Tony blurted out, his voice loud in the previously silent room. “I mean, have you ever done something that you wish you did better?”

Steve watched tony’s face, trying to block out the images of bucky's smiling face that contorted into one of pure terror. He heard Bucky's hearty laugh turn into screams. He heard and saw every moment that he regretted not taking. He saw himself kissing Peggy, knowing it was only out of grief. 

“Many things.” Steve replied. Lowering his gaze away from Tony’s.

“Really? Cause your Mr. Perfect. Captain America, you saved the world more than once. How can you have any regrets?” 

Steve closed his eyes against the onslaught of images that circled in his head.

“I did many things in my life that I don't regret. I don't regret stopping the war. I don't regret crashing the plane, I don't regret saving the world.” Steve took a deep breath in. “But I do regret not be able to hold on.” 

After he said those words, he felt a weight come off his chest. He kept that inside for so long, seventy years to be exact, and now that it was out. He felt hollow.

“Your talking about your friend. James Barnes right?” Tony asked softly.

Steve nodded. “Bucky, he prefered the name Bucky.” He took a breath, and decided that he owed it to bucky to tell Tony their story.

“He was my best friend, or that's what you called it back then. He stayed with me through everything. And when I watched him fall, it was like the word went wrong. I could have grabbed him. If i was just a bit quicker. And even if I didnt, after I fell with the Valkyrie, i realized that the fall wouldn't have killed me. I could have jumped after him, caught up to him and somehow taken the fall for him. Then both of us would be alive, but I didn’t. And now he's dead.” Steve told him, his eyes watering as he pictured bucky that day on the mountain, teasing him and smiling and looking like nothing was wrong in the world. Little did he know that that was the day that the world stopped turning.

“But, wasn't it the death of your friend that spurred you to end the war? He was the reason you decided to kill all of hydra. If he didnt die, the war might have gone of for years. Hundreds of more people would have died. You said you didnt regret taking down that plane and stopping the war.” Tony asked softly, his voice gentle and not accusing. He sounded so different from how he normally was.

“I don't regret taking down that plane because a part of me died with Bucky.” There it was, the truth that had been festering inside of him for years, carving away at his insides ever since he watched Bucky fall into the snow. “I would have fought that war for a thousand more years if Bucky was beside me. I would have done anything to get him back. I would have fought that war for the rest of my life if he was allowed to be safe. And if I could go back, I would choose Bucky a million times.” 

Tony sat in silence for a minute after Steve admitted that, his gaze heavy with something that felt like understanding. 

“He meant a lot to you didnt he.” Tony didn’t ask him, because he already knew the answer. 

“Bucky was everything I had. He was there when I was a small sick child with no hope of living past thirty. He saw the hero in me when no one else did. He stood by my side when I picked pointless fights and helped nurse me back to health whenever I got sick. He didn't want me to go to war but he still supported me and what I wanted to do. And when I became Captain America he didn’t care. Because to him I was always a hero and I would always be a hero no matter what body I was in. He believed in my when I didnt believe in myself. And not a day goes by that i don't regret not saving him. Not a single day.”

Tony leaned back, his carton of milk long abandoned on the floor as he watched Steve with judging eyes.

“You were in love with him weren't you?” Tony asked, his voice once again soft, but sounding like be just solved the greatest mystery in his life.

Steve didn’t even have to think about his answer.

“Yes I was.”

Tony nodding, and steve almost cried at the fact that Tony wasn't yelling at him and hitting him and kicking him out of his home like he would have seventy years ago. He was now in a world where he was allowed to love Bucky in public, but Bucky wasn't there with him.

“What about Peggy and your love story?” Tony suddenly asked.

“I did love Peggy. She was everything I needed, she was perfect. Back then, it didn’t matter how much I loved Bucky or how much he loved me. It was wrong and wasn't allowed. So I had to move on, and Peggy was there for me. I loved Peggy, but Bucky has had my heart since we were 16 years old and I watched him kiss a girl for the first time. That was the moment I realized that I wanted him to kiss me, not anyone else.”

Tony nodded, like it made perfect sense to him. Steve guessed it did, nowadays it wasn't weird to love guys and girls at the same time.

“You must miss him then.” Tony said, and it was almost like he didnt realize he was saying it at first.

“I do, I still imagine him sometimes. I say little inside jokes and I can almost hear him laughing beside me. I go places and I can hear him humming that god awful song he always sung. I go to a fight and sometimes forget that I have to watch my back now that he isn't around to do it for me. I still wake up every morning expecting to see him beside me. Sometimes I hear someone laugh and all I can do is hear his. It's maddening because I've lived so long with him that I've started seeing him everywhere.” Steve said, thinking of the way he sat on the counter a while ago imagining Bucky dancing around while cooking. 

“To this world Bucky died more than seventy years ago. But to me? It seems like its only been a few months.” He admitted softly.

Tony sat up and walked across the room, and for a second Steve thought he said something wrong before Tony pulled out an old looking picture book.

“Peggy gave this to me when I was 15. She told me it held all of her best memories. If I remember correctly…. Ah! Here it is.” He said while taking out a few small pictures.

Steve grabbed it, looking down at the pictures it held.

The first was a photo of Peggy, Bucky and him all standing together. Looking official standing in their suits and not smiling. Steve was wearing that stupid outfit of his that Bucky always teased him about, and Peggy looked as stunning as usual in her uniform. And Bucky had that stupid blue jacket on that he loved, and even though they weren't smiling, he could see the twinkle in all of their eyes. 

The second was taken maybe seconds after the first, they all stood in the same position, but now all three of them had their heads thrown back and laughing. Peggy was holding onto steves shoulder like she couldn't stand on her own. Steve himself stood looking proud of himself for whatever made them laugh so hard. Bucky had his head thrown back as he laughed, ad his hand looked like it was about to slap Steve. It probably did. 

Steve swore he could almost hear them all laughing, Peggy's musical giggle, Steves soft chuckle, and Bucky's hearty laugh.

The last one was just of bucky, who was sitting on some sort of tree stump, looking into the forest like some sort of male model. Steve couldn't help but notice the busted lip and discolored eyes, but he still looked as stunning as ever. 

He traced his fingers over each of the photos, smiling faintly through the tears in his eyes.

“Thank you Tony, do you mind?” He trailed off embarrassed at his show of emotion.

Tony simply smiled and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Keep them, they mean more to you than me. Now you should probably get some sleep, I think Natasha and Clint want to have a team wide training session tomorrow. I wouldn't want you to miss it.”

And with that the inventor was off, chucking his milk into the garbage and softly closing the door behind him. 

Steve sat there for a long time, staring at the photos of the only people he’d ever loved.

Then he got up and went to bed, because not even bad memories would stop Natasha and Clint when they got an idea.

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate ending:
> 
> “I don't regret taking down that plane because a part of me died with Bucky.” There it was, the truth that had been festering inside of him for years, carving away at his insides ever since he watched Bucky fall into the snow. “I would have fought that war for a thousand more years if Bucky was beside me. I would have done anything to get him back. I would have fought that war for the rest of my life if he was allowed to be safe. And if I could go back, I would choose Bucky a million times.” 
> 
> "Wow." Tony said, looking at Steve curiously. "That's pretty gay dude."
> 
> "Yes." Steve replied, looking Tony in the eyes. "We were hella gay."
> 
>  
> 
> End of alternate ending. 
> 
> There are many different types of people when they cant sleep.
> 
> Me who writes sad fanfiction.
> 
> Tony who works on pointless projects.
> 
> And Steve who becomes a sad little man.
> 
> I might start doing just a bunch of one Stucky one shots because I am trash for them. The idea that Bucky cooks is one I've been pondering over for a while now....
> 
> I also love the idea that Tony drinks straight out of the carton when hes tired, although he doesn't put it back in the fridge because hes not a heathen.


End file.
